It Ain't Chocolate

I will preface this post by first and foremost saying that girls, despite some of your ignorant beliefs, do in fact poop.  Butterflies and flowers do not come out of girls' butts.  It is a fact of nature that we too have to somehow excrete all of the food waste that we have previously put into our bodies.  So if any of these past few sentences grossed you out, you should probably quit reading now.  It only gets better.  

Going to the bathroom in any country can be a challenge.  No matter where you are there are always barriers one faces when trying to go #1 or #2.  For women it can be a bit more challenging because we are expected to use the bathroom when doing both of these deeds, not simply the ladder.  I know that I am privileged living in the U.S. and have become accustomed to using Western-style toilets and being provided all the t.p. I need when using public restrooms.  I wouldn't say that i'm a snob when it comes to using the john, though.  I don't need the bathroom to be sparkly clean and I can easily pop-a-squat and go outside when need be.  In the little traveling that I have done I have found that the task of finding a decent pooper can be a lot more difficult than in my own country.  Although I wouldn't consider myself too picky about the quality of my lavatory I understand that I may seem like a culturally insensitive ass hole in the next few paragraphs.  I'm not trying to be.

In Ecuador it was always an adventure trying to find somewhere that had a public bathroom.  When you finally did find a small restaurant or coffee shop that would let you use the toilet, it almost always made you sure you could hold it for another 4 hours at least or until you returned home.  Sometimes I was afraid that while sitting down a bug or small mammal would find its way up my butt.  Guys had it really easy in Ecuador if they only had to go #1.  It was 100% acceptable for a man to whip it out and take a wizz at any time, anywhere and all over whatever they wanted.  One night a few friends and I were walking down the road headed for the party district.  My girlfriend didn't have any shoes on (that's a different story altogether) and as we are walking we notice a long stream of liquid rolling down the sidewalk.  We look ahead of us and we see three guys standing in a row peeing on a building.  My friend had stepped in their pee and couldn't really do anything to avoid it besides buying new shoes.  Yes I realize that she shouldn't have been walking barefoot downtown but it was still a bit traumatizing I'm sure.

Here in Korea it is much easier to find a WC than in Ecuador and it is not acceptable for anyone, be it men or women, to piss in public.  The problems that I have come across though can be lumped into two categories: #1, squatter toilets and #2, toilet paper.

#1: Squatter toilets

I know that my problem with squatter toilets stems from complete cultural insensitivity on my part.  I'm used to sitting down and I've become comfortable with that.  I can squat when I'm out in the woods and I need to go or when I'm not near a bathroom, a little drunk and I really will pee my pants if I don't squat.  But when it comes to being sober and in an enclosed area that smells like stale urine at best, it's a little more difficult.  I believe that Koreans are born with an innate ability to squat like a pro and anyone here will tell you the same thing.  They are completely comfortable squatting for long periods of time and actually really do spend much of their time in a squatting position.  For me it's a bit harder.  My knees just can not handle my body weight for long periods of time.  This makes going #1 pretty easy but #2 is a bit more difficult.  I also have a fear that haunts my imagination every time I use the squatter: that I will be pooping and lose my balance and some part of my body will land into the toilet. You can imagine what would happen after that.  This is especially scary when I've been drinking at a bar and I have to go extra bad because of the shit-inducing alcohol.  Who wants to come out of the crapper back to the guy you've been flirting with and have poo somewhere on you?

I can say that I've only ever pooped in the squatter twice since I've been here.  This happened when I first bought my French press and began bringing a 16oz black coffee with me to school every morning.  At first I painfully held it until I got home but then I just couldn't do it anymore.  I successfully went #2 in the squatters twice until I discovered that there is one "Western-style" toilet in the school and I began using that.  You would think my colon cannonball woes would be over after that, wouldn't you?  Well, think again.  The Western-style turd aquarium is locked I would say 50% of the time and about 50% of the time there is no toilet paper to be found outside of any bathroom in the entire school.

And that brings me to #2.

#2: Toilet paper, or lack there of

A lack of toilet paper while using the restroom is probably just as daunting of a threat as #1, especially if I have to drop a deuce.  I'm sure many of you have been in a bathroom, public or even your own, and realized that you don't have any or enough toilet paper to complete the full wipage necessary to not leave skid marks.  Sometimes I even go into the bathroom and sit down thinking that all I'm going to do is a quick #1 and get out of there when suddenly i feel something coming out of the other hole.  It's always a good feeling when I didn't plan on pooping but it just happened, except when you don't have any or enough toilet paper.

Public bathrooms in Korea, if they provide any toilet paper at all, usually place the dispensers outside the bathroom.  One must rip toilet paper from the roll and take it into the individual bathrooms with them.  If you don't take enough you're pretty much shit outta luck.  There are a few different steps you can take to render the potentially disasterous situation to some extent.

1. Wipe strategically: When attempting this method one must first evaluate the amount of toilet paper one has in their immediate possession and the type of poop that was just taken.  Did it break off cleanly without leaving much residue?  Or was it a bit more moist and juicy?  Try to estimate the number of wipes that it will take to leave you feeling fresh and rip the paper accordingly.
2. Be creative: If the strategic wiping did not turn out ideally then one must resort to number 2.  Use whatever you have.  If you are a woman and carry a purse this will probably turn out a bit better than if you're a man, unless you're a man that carries a purse (aka Korean).  Search through your purse and try to find anything you can possibly use as toilet paper.  Receipts and travel brochures work well.  Beware of paper with a wax coating, as they do not work as effectively.  Don't use any important documents.
3. The 2nd round: If one has tried both number one and two and is still not satisfied with the outcome, one must revert to number three.  Pull up your pants, go outside the bathroom, get more toilet paper, and return for round #2.  If there is a line for the toilet then this can be a problem, as one will have to wait in line again.  One faces the obvious danger of dirtying her panties in the process but there are even more dangerous consequences.  There is always the potential for humiliation when the long line of shitters see you leave your stall only to grab more toilet paper and return to the line.  Once you are seen doing this your whole crisis has gone public.  You know people are snickering and talking about you in their secret spy language. 

You say that all of this can be evaded by simply taking more than enough toilet paper?  It's harder than it sounds, my friend.  Recently I was in a public restroom at the bus station in Seoul and I sensed that I had to go #2.  There was a line of about 10 people into the women's bathroom.  When it was my turn at the paper dispenser I took a bigger than average amount of paper.  Korean toilet paper is like 1/2 ply so one must take a lot of it to suffice.  I took what I believed would be the perfect amount of paper for my ass but apparently the lady behind me thought it was a little excessive.  As i ripped off the wad i hear a loud and disgusted "Ughhhhh!"  I turn around to see a little old lady scowling at me.  I gave her an innocent "sorry lady, I gotta take a poo" look, turned around and headed to the bathroom.  Everything turned out well!

It's also difficult while at school to take a lot of toilet paper, as there are always students and staff members watching you.  As a foreigner you rarely have a moment in public when not one pair of eyes are watching you.  If you take a lot of toilet paper before you go to the bathroom then everyone in the hall knows you're going to take a shit.  I guess in this aspect it's more advantageous being a woman because you might be able to play it off as #1 paper.  If you're a dude you're pretty much screwed.

Daegu Or-ee-ahn-suh

This past Tuesday night a group of friends and I made our way out to the
basketball stadium where the Daegu Orions professional basketball team compete with other teams from around the nation.  I was really excited because I had not yet been to a professional basketball game here in Korea but had seen little bits of games on T.V.  During baseball season I was given the opportunity to attend two professional baseball games which turned out to be the Korean equivalent to the World Series.  Although Daegu's team, the Samsung Lions lost, I had so much fun and was interested to see what basketball was like in Korea.  I knew that basketball was not as popular of a sport as baseball but wanted to check it out.  I love watching sporting events live because even if I have never seen either team play, if I have a team to support I get really competetive and into the games.  I enjoy yelling at the other team's players: insults that I argue are funny but other people could quite easily find annoying.  I love chanting with the crowd and standing up and dancing crazy in an attempt to get free things.

So on Tuesday night we meet up with about 10 people, buy our tickets and walk into the stadium.  I'm suprised at the size of the stadium which is much smaller than any medium sized college arena.  In the crowd are probably only a few hundred people.  I'm a little disappointed by this but I figure that I'll head over to the beer gods and they will help ease my pre-game nerves (yea, I was really nervous).  When I get to the one and only beer/snack stand I face disappointment #2 when I realize that all they have are 12oz cans of Hite.  I am not a fan of arguably the most popular Korean beer as I have a more refined palate and prefer the more robust flavor of Cass.  Actually, I really hate all Korean beer but I doubt many places around the world can compete with the incredible selection of microbrews that the Pacific Northwest births.  Everyday I see someone drinking a Korean beer I long for a Ninkasi Total Domination IPA.  Despite my not-total-hatred but strong-dislike of Hite I figure that I'm at a basketball game and I want a beer.  I buy a Hite.

The group settles into our few rows of seats as the Korean national anthem begins to play from the speakers.  The crowd stands up and puts their hand over their heart.  I don't really know what to do during this.  Should I show respect and also put my hand over my heart?  I notice that the foreign basketball players have their hands behind their backs so I do the same.  Actually, I really didn't give a shit about this.

The game between the Daegu Orions and the Jeonju KCC begins.  With only ten minute quarters it seems like the game is going to be pretty quick.  Each team has two foreigners on their team: tall black guys which it's apparent at the beginning of the game that they are going to be the star players.  Apparently each team can only play their foreigner when the other team is playing their foreigner.  I don't know why but this is a really funny concept to me.  Both teams playing are apparently really shitty as the Orions are ranked 7th of 9 teams in the country and KCC is ranked 8th.  This gives me a little bit of hope.  After about a minute our foreigner goes down and sprains his ankle or something.  This means that our other foreigner has to play the entire game.  Otis takes the court and begins his domination.  I'm pretty sure he scored like 70% of the points the Orions made that game.  I thought it was a bit unfair that Otis was the only player on the team that had his own song.  The DJ would play part of a song and the crowd would chant Oh-tis-uh in that so familiar put-an-UH-at-the-end-of-every-English-word way.  His name had to be made into three syllables otherwise the Koreans wouldn't understand.

When KCC brought out Ogre I was convinced that the game was over.  Ogre was probably at least 7 feet tall and easily the tallest and beastliest man on the court.  Most impressively, he was Korean.  He was a bit googly-eyed and I couldn't help but yell really hilarious things like "Too many ogres on the court!" and "OOOOOOGGGGGGGGRRRRRRREEEEEEE!!" in a low pitched voice while he was shooting (and most often missing) his free throws.  There was no way that anyone could block any of his shots without fouling him so he got to shoot many.  Really his only skill was standing under the hoop and dropping the ball through the net.  Not that impressive.  The other team also cheated by having a half-black half-Korean guy on their team that counted as 'Korean' and not 'foreigner'.  This meant that they were allowed what I saw as 1.5 foreigners on their team at a time plus Ogre.  They definitely had an advantage.  In our defense we did have the handsome #40 이동준 (Lee-dong-joon).  A long haired, greasy ponytail-wearing, young, tall Korean guy whom was being fought over by a couple of girls in our group.  After the game they decided to split up the days of the week that they would have him so they both could get a piece.

Ogre

Lee-dong-joon

My favorite cheer, which was brought to my attention by Kyle, was the 'de-fense' cheer that sounded like the popular brand of adult diapers, 'De-pends'.  Every time the announcer started the cheer by yelling "De-pends" in a low voice and the crowd followed I chuckled, cheering along with 'De-pends' innocently.

I also really enjoyed the cheerleaders along with their dances and outfit changes.  Their uniforms, in a rainbow of colors, did not match the red and yellow of their basketball boys.  Even though they were probably the cutest cheerleaders I have ever seen, their skinny, gumby-like bodies gave them a different style than what I was used to.  Maybe I was just bitter because one of the girls pretty much put a free Papa Johns pizza right under my nose for me to smell the steaming cheese and then took it away from me and gave it to a young group of guys.  I was definitely dancing at a more spastic level during a time out than those stupid boys.  She looked right at me as she was walking up the stairs as if to say, "Hey, girl, this juicy pizza that you've been craving is all you."  I swear she kept eye contact with me and had a smile on her face until the moment she did the psych out and placed the pizza box in the boys' hands.  Then her face turned from a sweet smile to a sly 'ha-ha-ha I've got the pizza power' grin.  Needless to say I was angry.  After this I was determined to get something for free as I love free things.  I danced like a crazy bird for the rest of the game and eventually was thrown a free Pocari Sweat.  Even though it was a small prize for all my hard work I still enjoyed it.

Overall the ball handling on both teams was very poor.  The players looked a little bit like out of control monkeys.  The ball and players were flying all over the court and the shooting skills were sub par.    I swear the Orions missed like 75% of their shots, or so it seemed.  It was kind of frustrating to watch.  Even though our team only ended up losing 94-89 we played like we should have lost by 20.  Now we're ranked number 8.  Despite the poor performance by the Orions it was still a fun game to watch and I enjoyed the company of my friends.

Oh, an upon further Ogre speculation (me searching for pictures) it looks like he played for the Portland Trailblazers.

Pictures borrowed from Google Images.

I Hope You're Hungry

I know most of you back home are moderately to very interested in the food we eat here in Korea.  I've been asked questions from "What is your favorite Korean food?" to "Do you like your school lunches?"  and received comments like "Tell her to go marinate some dog meat."  I know that most of my family and friends back in Idaho have probably never eaten a Korean dish in their entire lives.  Before I came to Korea I searched online and in the phone book for Korean restaurants in Idaho so I could prepare my taste buds for what they would be eating for the next year.  This proved very difficult as I found out that Idaho does not have a single Korean restaurant in the entire state, or at least there was no evidence anywhere that I looked.  It seemed that there had been one Korean restaurant that had gone out of business, probably with the economic recession.  All I had heard about Korea was that they ate a lot of kimchi and that they were stereotyped as puppy-eaters.

A Japanese friend, who had done an exchange at Willamette, was in back in Salem after a few years of being away.  We met up at good 'ol Pete's Place with a few other Matthewsites from freshman year and had a few beers/G&Ts.  Before I knew it my friend's arms were around my shoulder and he started calling me "Kimchi Bunchee!!" which lasted for the rest of the night.  For awhile after that I continued to get facebook messages addressed to Miss Kimchi Bunchee.

Before I arrived to Korea I was excited about the food, as I am a very adventurous eater, but also a bit afraid that I just would end up not being that crazy about it.  I prayed to God that I would like kimchi because I knew that Koreans ate it like the majority of Americans eat fast food.  I didn't want to offend anyone with my distaste for God's fermented gift to Koreankind.  When I finally arrived in Jeonju for orientation I wasn't surprised when kimchi was served at my first meal and every meal thereafter.  I cautiously picked up the tongs and pinched a very small portion of the spicy cabbage to put on my plate.  When I sat down and forked my first ever bite of kimchi I was pleasantly surprised at the cold, spicy, taste that filled my mouth.  What a relief.

Since orientation I have actually come to absolutely LOVE the taste of kimchi.  Korea had a month-or-so-long period where there was a cabbage shortage and the price of kimchi sky-rocketed.  Restaurants stopped serving cabbage kimchi in favor of other types of kimchi like the radish variety (kimchi actually doesn't have to be made from cabbage but it is the most common type).  I was devastated when my school stopped serving it but excited when they finally put out a bowl of cabbage kimchi exclusively for the teachers.    It was common courtesy during this time to take only a very small portion of the kimchi as to make sure that all the staff got some.  I really did not like this rule and when no other teachers were watching I would take a few extra pinches.

Anyways, this post is supposed to be about Korean food in general, not only kimchi.  The following are pictures and a little description of Korean dishes that I love and a few that I'm not so crazy about.  Enjoy.

"Tteokgalbi"  Made from shortribs, a grilled mixture of pork and beef.  Kind of tastes like meatloaf but is a lot more juicy and delicious.

"Kimchibokkumbap"  "Bokkumbap" means fried rice.  This one in particular is made with kimchi.  I also really like bokkumbap made from chicken but the kimchi variety is probably my favorite.

"Kimchijeon" My friends and I crave what we call "kimchi pancakes" all the time.  They are greasy pancake like things made from kimchi, flour batter and maybe other vegetables.  Sooooo good.

"Chungukjang?" I'm not sure of the Korean name but this soup is a fermented soybean soup.  My Korean coworkers tell me that most foreigners do not like the smell of fermented soybeans and therefore also dislike the soup.  I guess I'm an exception.  This is one of my favorite soups.

"Bulgogi" Marinated barbequed beef.  Usually served with onions and other grilled veggies.  Tasty.

"Ddukbokki" Rice cakes in a spicy sauce often served with fish cake (see 'Odang').  A dish I try to stay away from.  Don't hate.

"Odang" Boiled fish cakes in nasty fish water.  Often served like so from street carts.  Koreans love this shit.  Everytime I smell it I want to throw up.  It tastes like a fishy, soggy bread like inedible thing.

  

"I have no idea and don't really want to know"  About 4 times so far this semester my school has served a dish that makes me want to vomit.  This picture is the closest thing I could find to what it actually looks like.  Tiny dried minnows, so small I could barely tell what they were the first time I ate them, served with dried shrimp still in the shell in a sweet, syrupy sauce, sprinkled with sesame seeds.  Not appetizing one bit.  I almost cry when I walk into the cafeteria and see this on a student's plate.

"

"Beondegi" Brace yourself for the most apalling 'edible' you will ever taste in Korea (at least I hope so, otherwise I might puke out my entire digestive system).  Remember the 'bugs' I told you about in a previous post?  The one where the old, creepy man fed me with toothpicks on the beach?  Yea, well they are actually boiled silkworms prepared in a big pot and eaten as a snack.  This last picture could have been the old man on the beach if his hand was a little more wrinkly and deformed (at least that's how I remember it).  Trust me and just never eat it.

Hope you enjoyed the tidbit of Korean food that I've experienced.  As I am here longer and eat more interesting dishes I'll share with you a little taste.


All of these photos were taken from Google images