It Ain't Chocolate

I will preface this post by first and foremost saying that girls, despite some of your ignorant beliefs, do in fact poop.  Butterflies and flowers do not come out of girls' butts.  It is a fact of nature that we too have to somehow excrete all of the food waste that we have previously put into our bodies.  So if any of these past few sentences grossed you out, you should probably quit reading now.  It only gets better.  

Going to the bathroom in any country can be a challenge.  No matter where you are there are always barriers one faces when trying to go #1 or #2.  For women it can be a bit more challenging because we are expected to use the bathroom when doing both of these deeds, not simply the ladder.  I know that I am privileged living in the U.S. and have become accustomed to using Western-style toilets and being provided all the t.p. I need when using public restrooms.  I wouldn't say that i'm a snob when it comes to using the john, though.  I don't need the bathroom to be sparkly clean and I can easily pop-a-squat and go outside when need be.  In the little traveling that I have done I have found that the task of finding a decent pooper can be a lot more difficult than in my own country.  Although I wouldn't consider myself too picky about the quality of my lavatory I understand that I may seem like a culturally insensitive ass hole in the next few paragraphs.  I'm not trying to be.

In Ecuador it was always an adventure trying to find somewhere that had a public bathroom.  When you finally did find a small restaurant or coffee shop that would let you use the toilet, it almost always made you sure you could hold it for another 4 hours at least or until you returned home.  Sometimes I was afraid that while sitting down a bug or small mammal would find its way up my butt.  Guys had it really easy in Ecuador if they only had to go #1.  It was 100% acceptable for a man to whip it out and take a wizz at any time, anywhere and all over whatever they wanted.  One night a few friends and I were walking down the road headed for the party district.  My girlfriend didn't have any shoes on (that's a different story altogether) and as we are walking we notice a long stream of liquid rolling down the sidewalk.  We look ahead of us and we see three guys standing in a row peeing on a building.  My friend had stepped in their pee and couldn't really do anything to avoid it besides buying new shoes.  Yes I realize that she shouldn't have been walking barefoot downtown but it was still a bit traumatizing I'm sure.

Here in Korea it is much easier to find a WC than in Ecuador and it is not acceptable for anyone, be it men or women, to piss in public.  The problems that I have come across though can be lumped into two categories: #1, squatter toilets and #2, toilet paper.

#1: Squatter toilets

I know that my problem with squatter toilets stems from complete cultural insensitivity on my part.  I'm used to sitting down and I've become comfortable with that.  I can squat when I'm out in the woods and I need to go or when I'm not near a bathroom, a little drunk and I really will pee my pants if I don't squat.  But when it comes to being sober and in an enclosed area that smells like stale urine at best, it's a little more difficult.  I believe that Koreans are born with an innate ability to squat like a pro and anyone here will tell you the same thing.  They are completely comfortable squatting for long periods of time and actually really do spend much of their time in a squatting position.  For me it's a bit harder.  My knees just can not handle my body weight for long periods of time.  This makes going #1 pretty easy but #2 is a bit more difficult.  I also have a fear that haunts my imagination every time I use the squatter: that I will be pooping and lose my balance and some part of my body will land into the toilet. You can imagine what would happen after that.  This is especially scary when I've been drinking at a bar and I have to go extra bad because of the shit-inducing alcohol.  Who wants to come out of the crapper back to the guy you've been flirting with and have poo somewhere on you?

I can say that I've only ever pooped in the squatter twice since I've been here.  This happened when I first bought my French press and began bringing a 16oz black coffee with me to school every morning.  At first I painfully held it until I got home but then I just couldn't do it anymore.  I successfully went #2 in the squatters twice until I discovered that there is one "Western-style" toilet in the school and I began using that.  You would think my colon cannonball woes would be over after that, wouldn't you?  Well, think again.  The Western-style turd aquarium is locked I would say 50% of the time and about 50% of the time there is no toilet paper to be found outside of any bathroom in the entire school.

And that brings me to #2.

#2: Toilet paper, or lack there of

A lack of toilet paper while using the restroom is probably just as daunting of a threat as #1, especially if I have to drop a deuce.  I'm sure many of you have been in a bathroom, public or even your own, and realized that you don't have any or enough toilet paper to complete the full wipage necessary to not leave skid marks.  Sometimes I even go into the bathroom and sit down thinking that all I'm going to do is a quick #1 and get out of there when suddenly i feel something coming out of the other hole.  It's always a good feeling when I didn't plan on pooping but it just happened, except when you don't have any or enough toilet paper.

Public bathrooms in Korea, if they provide any toilet paper at all, usually place the dispensers outside the bathroom.  One must rip toilet paper from the roll and take it into the individual bathrooms with them.  If you don't take enough you're pretty much shit outta luck.  There are a few different steps you can take to render the potentially disasterous situation to some extent.

1. Wipe strategically: When attempting this method one must first evaluate the amount of toilet paper one has in their immediate possession and the type of poop that was just taken.  Did it break off cleanly without leaving much residue?  Or was it a bit more moist and juicy?  Try to estimate the number of wipes that it will take to leave you feeling fresh and rip the paper accordingly.
2. Be creative: If the strategic wiping did not turn out ideally then one must resort to number 2.  Use whatever you have.  If you are a woman and carry a purse this will probably turn out a bit better than if you're a man, unless you're a man that carries a purse (aka Korean).  Search through your purse and try to find anything you can possibly use as toilet paper.  Receipts and travel brochures work well.  Beware of paper with a wax coating, as they do not work as effectively.  Don't use any important documents.
3. The 2nd round: If one has tried both number one and two and is still not satisfied with the outcome, one must revert to number three.  Pull up your pants, go outside the bathroom, get more toilet paper, and return for round #2.  If there is a line for the toilet then this can be a problem, as one will have to wait in line again.  One faces the obvious danger of dirtying her panties in the process but there are even more dangerous consequences.  There is always the potential for humiliation when the long line of shitters see you leave your stall only to grab more toilet paper and return to the line.  Once you are seen doing this your whole crisis has gone public.  You know people are snickering and talking about you in their secret spy language. 

You say that all of this can be evaded by simply taking more than enough toilet paper?  It's harder than it sounds, my friend.  Recently I was in a public restroom at the bus station in Seoul and I sensed that I had to go #2.  There was a line of about 10 people into the women's bathroom.  When it was my turn at the paper dispenser I took a bigger than average amount of paper.  Korean toilet paper is like 1/2 ply so one must take a lot of it to suffice.  I took what I believed would be the perfect amount of paper for my ass but apparently the lady behind me thought it was a little excessive.  As i ripped off the wad i hear a loud and disgusted "Ughhhhh!"  I turn around to see a little old lady scowling at me.  I gave her an innocent "sorry lady, I gotta take a poo" look, turned around and headed to the bathroom.  Everything turned out well!

It's also difficult while at school to take a lot of toilet paper, as there are always students and staff members watching you.  As a foreigner you rarely have a moment in public when not one pair of eyes are watching you.  If you take a lot of toilet paper before you go to the bathroom then everyone in the hall knows you're going to take a shit.  I guess in this aspect it's more advantageous being a woman because you might be able to play it off as #1 paper.  If you're a dude you're pretty much screwed.